Too much to handle

When asked why I'm leaving, it's hard for me to resist the impulse to rage, vent, and dump on my experience at work. Why am I leaving? Why can't I tolerate things? Why do I get so emotionally involved with things I have no power over? 

I discovered (via Google) I was supposed to be nice in my letter of resignation. I think I'm supposed to stay nice when talking about my place of work (mpow) for a while? indefinitely? Am I going to be allowed to talk all this shit in my exit interview? If I get one?

I feel slightly abnormal now. Why don't I fit in? Why can other people handle the workings of the organization?

I am considering attempting to write a series about my time at work. Yes, I would be processing in a semi-public kind of way. It might be gauche, it might be literally nothing. I consider this a space for my personal and yet professional writing, I have a journal and don't plan to treat this writing the same as I would for a private journal. 

 

What does it mean to be a faculty person who is leaving their tenure track position? What does it mean to be a librarian leaving their field? Lol, I don't really know, I know I can't be the only one, but at this point I don't have other examples to follow. I'm trying to keep this to what professional practices I'm implementing and the career turns I'll go through. In other words, I have a lot of feelings about this change, but I'll keeps those out (maybe). A friend and I discussed creating an ongoing writing practice throughout the summer, I'm looking forward to this and any of my readers will get more regular posts as well. We'll likely focus on various high-level social justice issues and approach each topic from our own perspectives. 

I thought about titling this essay "writing about writing again," perhaps it's unsurprising that when I'm in a writing retreat that I'm feeling a little meta about my own writing. So far, aside from being fairly productive, the main takeaway so far is related to endings. Earlier this week, while attending an online conference (CALM), I learned about the field (practice? theory?) of critical management studies. In the opening retreat discussion, folks were sharing writing practices, habits, tips, rituals, and more. During both of these instances, I'm seeing connections between learning new information and announcing/communicating my departure. My instinct is to jump to frustration, why didn't I know that other faculty struggle with writing? And if I would have known about critical management studies earlier in my career, I think I might have been involved with the larger conversation about this approach. 

I'm not mad or regretting learning these things, it's a little frustrating. But I'm framing this as examples of being a life long learner. No matter what stage of my career or life, I know that I will continue to learn new things and they will shape my perspectives. 

Librarians tend to be liminal folks, maybe especially academic librarians. I don't want to speak for any of the other librarian disciplines, but I have a feeling they could relate too. Our research areas are almost always interdisciplinary and by nature, we're also generalist researchers in pretty much every field. 

I wrote that last paragraph while thinking about how I will be translating my skills to non-academics. And/or even considering roles that are at the edges of higher ed. If the colleagues I work with closely don't even understand why my job is important, then it feels that much harder and more important to do better telling my story to non-academics. And the irony of the infographic that I made above is that directly after finishing it, I experienced a very real interaction with a close colleague that made it clear that my knowledge and expertise as a librarian is not valued. Rather than dwelling on that, I'm going to post this and move on to the next topic.
 

Here we go once again

Editor's note (Me, I'm noting this): I started writing this in January 2024, gave it an update in February and maybe March and kept putting off finishing it. Things have changed once again, but I'm publishing this as is, even if it's already slightly out of date. 5/16/24

 

It's been a while. I feel like I start off too many conversations this way lately. I am doing what I can to keep my balance this semester, and I am hopeful that things will be better in general this year. Sometimes it feels like I don't know where to start, so let's see if I can sketch out the things on my mind.

Palestine, it's been 4 months. How are we still here? How is the US government still enabling and paying for this genocide (1)? I really want to make sure that we (Americans? those of us that are still paying attention?) don't let this go. We cannot normalize the brutality that Israel is perpetuating and defending (2). 

 

The state of working life. I don't know how else to describe this. Yes, it's personal, but I do think it's bigger than me (3). I keep thinking that as soon as I get my feet under me (4), I'll be better able to work with my community to make change. I also know that I'm falling prey to capitalism's weight (5). This is the goal. That working class folks will work too hard to be able to plan solidarity. I know that in many ways my ultimate goal is to leave for the woods, to hopefully build a community, but as I think about this goal, I want to make sure I'm not burying my head in the sand.  

 

The fucking election. All of these topics are somehow tied together (capitalism, patriarchy, colonialism, etc etc). I still can't believe I don't know who to vote for. This feels wild, like a bit of a nightmare. I'm not voting for orange man, nor the genocidal war hawk (or whatever that phrase is). I've been on the side of the conversation in the past that said, we always have to vote for the one who isn't as bad. I remember very clearly that I was horrified when my uncle told me that he wasn't going to vote, or didn't. I couldn't believe having that attitude. And yet here I am. I don't feel like any of the 3rd party folks really have my attention, I think Dr. West would be my choice, but I know he has some very problematic views as well. Why do we always wait until the last minute to support third parties? I really do want to make it a goal to push for ranked choice voting in CH (6). And then the county? Then the state? It feels like such an uphill battle and I have no idea how to write/create legislation. 

I keep talking about feeling like we're at a precipice, at a crossroads (almost too soft), or more likely a tipping point. I want this revolution. I want these strikes and protests. I want this change, this birth of a new America. It's so hard to imagine that capitalism has beaten us down so hard that most people will put up with almost anything, because they feel so far away from decision making. Life doesn't have to be like this. We can change things. We have to. Our species will not make it longer if we don't change. I know how hyperbolic that probably sounds. I'm trying to shift my habit of talking about the climate crisis as if it will be the end of the world. No matter what, the world and other forms of life will continue. We humans, and many many species of living things will not make it. I can't decide how much this is comforting and how much is nihilistic. Of course, it can be both. 

When the days get warmer, as we head into late spring, I hope to see this blister that is our current global status burst. I'm not trying to get ahead of myself, I understand that revolutions don't just happen on their own. Recently, as I was listening to an episode of Upstream, the idea of caravan movements/groups was introduced to me. As we plan strikes and other large scale movements, we need to ensure there are supports in place for folks who may lose their jobs or at least lose pay when striking. We need childcare and probably community transportation. We need planners, fighters, craftspeople; hot headed passionate folks (probably me), cool headed strategists, evocative speakers, iconic leaders. We need to leave individualism behind. That's what got us to this point. 

I'm reading too many books at once, as I usually do, three of them in particular are mixing around with each other and giving me energy. Stamped from the Beginning by Ibram X. Kendi (S. and I will get to talk about this plenty very soon), Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks, and All About Love also by bell hooks are the 3 that are very present. (The other 2 are Redemption in Indigo by Karen Lord and The Sunlit Man by Brandon Sanderson). I read How to be an Anti-racist by Kendi a few years ago and was deeply connected to it, it left me with a lot to think about. But in a weird way, since it was the newer book, it let me have the excuse that then I didn't need to read his first book. I've read a few other bell hooks titles and All About Love is one that I've purposely avoided. Call it a little internalized misogyny, mixed with not sounding radical enough, the book never appealed to me. I'm not even through the first chapter and it's already leaving an impression. Feminism is for Everybody somehow wasn't ever on my radar, but I'm glad I'm reading it now. 

This combination of books is reminding me why I believe in change. I have a lot of anger, resentment, and confusion about the state of the world, but I want to stay grounded in love (of myself, my partners, my community, every living thing). I'm not really sure what types of things I'll take away from any of these 3 books, but things that are already on my mind are holding consciousness raising groups/workshops. bell mentions them in Feminism, so I want to better understand how I could use these tools to create a space for dialogue. A lot of spaces for white women in particular were created around the 2020 BLM spring, in order for white women to hold each other accountable. I think these groups are incredibly important and I am assuming most of them stopped functioning within the first year. 

 

(1) Latest Senate bill as of 2/20/24 - not passed Congress yet https://apnews.com/article/ukraine-aid-congress-senate-china-d7b4846de76a1dfe5d2207b7eb6eeead

(2) More than 29,000 Palestinians killed by Israel since 10/7/23 https://apnews.com/article/israel-hamas-war-news-02-19-2024-81c2d362340b611a98e4b929b4b5d0a4

(3)I'm not Gen Z, but I agree https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/22977663/gen-z-antiwork-capitalism

(4)This is about pay/wages. We are tied to our jobs almost no matter what https://www.brookings.edu/articles/capitalism-is-failing-people-want-a-job-with-a-decent-wage-why-is-that-so-hard/

(5)The more you know https://www.linkedin.com/posts/dellazduncan_when-wage-slavery-was-first-enforced-on-people-activity-7067457843125256192-Eb3v?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop

(6)Did I miss my chance to push this discussion more? https://www.clevelandheights.gov/DocumentCenter/View/17611/Charter-Review-Commission-Agenda-February-12-2024?bidId=