Navigating ambition, growth, and emotions

I'm not really sure where to start. It's been a while? I've been busy? I think I've done all of that before. So instead, I think I'll try to jump in and I hope you can follow along.

There are many decisions I made as a young adult that put me on this trajectory. There are many decisions I made even technically as an adult adult that put me right here right now. And yet, here I am, Interim Co-Director of the Library and newly appointed Director of Gender Studies and I have these very surreal moments questioning how I got here and who thought I could be trusted to be in charge. I think these feelings are by no means unique to me, I'm pretty sure I've read almost those exact words from a 40-something before. But I'm still curious about whether this is something that everyone has experienced throughout the history of humans (in bureaucracies?) or if this is something particular to Gen Xers and Millennials, and even those Gen Z folks that are put in charge of organizations already. 

I've never considered myself ambitious, and like many others, I've often said that I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be at the top, making all of the decisions, being more "professional" than I prefer to be. However, here I am. 

I've been clawing and grabbing for any type of recognition I can get for the library for years. It's yet another well known issue in Higher Ed that librarians generally are unknowns, we are somehow literal blind spots to upper administration. Do we only shelve books? Maybe we need to meet our shushing quota for the week? Definitely we must be very very old fashioned. 

 

Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash. 

Maybe you thought that searching the word "librarian" would bring up mostly pictures of librarians? You may be surprised that it's actually mostly pictures of old books. Because that's all we are/do - hang out with old books.

 

 

 

Of course, those of us doing the work in academic libraries know that we are doing a ton. Some of us more visibly engaged than others who work behind the scenes. This invisibility only hurts us. Keeps us in this category of meek, quiet, old, traditional, and probably unnecessary since everything can be found on Google. Then, sometimes the stars align and my colleague and I are put in charge. 

 I don't think they were ready. My co-director, MC and I manage to blend our skills, experiences, and personalities so seamlessly together that I don't know if there's ever been a stronger team. I am often the passionate and outspoken one - I'm colorful, loud, mostly unafraid to ask the questions that need to be asked. MC tends toward a muted palette of greys, black, and calming neutrals. She is more reserved, rarely saying more than exactly what needs to be said; she kind of skims under the radar and I love it when she does speak up because I know that people are listening. I think we're able to play good cop/bad cop without ever planning to. And lately, maybe we've been spending too much time together, we are switching roles without any needed conversation. 

I've struggled with my anger, frustration, and need for acknowledgement while in this career. I don't understand why we keep doing the same damn things over and over. It hurts to realize that even friends that I'm the closest with think of me as a glorified research assistant. 

But I'm trying something new and different this week. Hopefully the bandwidth and newness don't wear off and reveal my naiveté and my attempt to organize, strategize, and do more. I want to throw my whole self into the work that I love. Because I love it and want campus to understand that even though we aren't a money-making department, we are a force to be reckoned with and probably some metaphorical vital human body part or system (are we the backbone? the nervous system? maybe even the digestive system?). I get it that we all think we're important, so that limelight is a tiny space to bring everyone in to shine.   

Writing about writing

We've reached another rough patch of the year. Believe it or not, academic libraries do get busy in the summer. But it's not the way it is busy during the school year, this is when we do projects that we can't do when students are here. 

Between attempting to juggle projects and now the additional work of being the interim co-director of the library, I've struggled to stay interested and involved with my writing projects. I'm feeling very much at capacity. However, the various projects I have (and now some new ideas!) are bumping around in the back of my head and I'm considering how they'll fit in the format of a blog post, with such a heavy emphasis on my opinion/experience integrated with research.

So, today, I'm thinking a little more about what this writing will be about. How will it fit in with my "professional" writing - about libraries, what about my personal journaling? Or is it some type of an effort to bring together a bit of everything - to work through my experiences in life and add in the research I've done related to gender studies. I feel a need to write about some of the bigotry I see in contemporary pop culture, and of course I see that all through the lens of my experience and interests. 

I realize that many of the non-fiction writing I read is in this vein. Anne Helen Peterson, Rebecca Solnit, and Roxane Gay; contemporary writers thinking about how our lived experiences are intersecting with the outside world. I'm not claiming this is anything new, but I'm finding it interesting to realize how much this has influenced my perspective on content. 

While I've been writing this and navigating a few supervisory type conversations, I've been thinking about libraries and racism. And how they're built for white people. This came up in a conversation about the Writing Center and making it more accessible for BIPOC folks. This stigma of accessing services is of course familiar and aligned with the research for libraries too. And that makes me wonder whether our architects have looked at newly constructed libraries at HBCUs, and I wonder if I can find any examples. I also want to make sure that we're doing better/our best to reach out to the cultural orgs directly. I feel a little bad that even the Provost was like, have Amy do it (instead of the project coordinator who is a woman of color - I believe she identifies as Black). And of course, this makes me consider a future paper with the Director of the Writing Center about all of this. 

I've also been thinking about the movie CODA and my identity as a CODA. It's rather unfortunate, ableist, and privileged to think that many people hailed CODA as a movie about/for the Deaf community. I still haven't went back to see how Deaf folks felt about it. I can't even remember whether my parents saw it. But now that it was brought back to my attention, I think it also needs to be addressed. Yes, it was incredibly good to see representation of one of my lesser identities on the big screen, handled fairly well. And I think the Deaf actors/characters were portrayed well (I would need to re-watch to see if there was anything problematic I can spot). But in the end, it's rather wild to think that this movie that is ostensibly about hearing people, but happens to include Deaf people, is celebrated as a "Deaf movie." Of course, I'm going to mostly chalk this up to people being completely clueless about what CODA means, but it's not that hard to do a quick search about a phrase/acronym like that. 

It's always funny to me how much writing will pull out thoughts and new ideas. I'm never surprised by this, but I still fight it tooth and nail!

Bringing this back 12 years later

What does it mean when a blog has gone silent for 12 years and suddenly comes back to life? It probably means an academic is trying to work through some writing and projects. I'm trying my hardest to not hide the older posts - I just finished grad school for the first time and trying to use writing to parse through all of the new things I was learning about. 

I'm hoping to use this space for a few projects, the main one will most likely be cultural commentary - specifically through the lens of intersectional feminism with a strong anti-racist leaning. I'm all over the place with my interests currently. I'll probably cover topics like pop culture, politics, environmental racism and climate change, and maybe some reviews or reflections of books I'm currently reading. I don't know where this will go or if I'll be able to maintain it, but here we go!

femivore?

do i have to add this to the ever growing list of made up phrases that are used to describe me?
according to this recently posted article on NYTimes: "Femivorism is grounded in the very principles of self-sufficiency, autonomy and personal fulfillment that drove women into the work force in the first place."
the article goes on to describe the way that i feel i have been trying to steer my life:

Given how conscious (not to say obsessive) everyone has become about the source of their food — who these days can’t wax poetic about compost? — it also confers instant legitimacy. Rather than embodying the limits of one movement, femivores expand those of another: feeding their families clean, flavorful food; reducing their carbon footprints; producing sustainably instead of consuming rampantly. What could be more vital, more gratifying, more morally defensible?

i hate that this article, and honestly, the whole idea of femivorism, is so tied up in the women's lib movement. first women were stuck at home, then we were allowed to go work (and most women strongly embraced working outside of the home), more recently feminists have argued over the decision to be a stay at home mom.
i have no desire to be a stay at home mom, but i would love to essentially run a small farm (when i say farm, i mean turn my regular sized back yard/front yard into all producing plants including fruit trees/bushes, and maybe chickens and/or goats) as well as continue to work outside the home. i realize i may be falling prey to that other feminist problem of "having it all," but most of that farming stuff is so far in the future, i am not even worried about it. since most of my femivore dreams can't come true yet, i just try to grow as much of my own food as i can from my community garden plot, get a larger portion of my food directly from farms, and supplement the rest of organic/locally produced items.
to many people, the ideas of independence and self-sufficiency seem like a step backwards in modernity. i don't agree with this, this new idea of modernity is made with a full understanding (and mostly appreciation) of technology and it's impact on the world. it is not a complete rejection of technology or civilization (these would be steps backwards), instead it is a broader viewing of the world, it's people, and how we effect nature.

oryx and crake

homo sapiens doesn't seem able to cut himself off at the supply end. he's one of the few species that doesn't limit reproduction in the face of dwindling resources. in other words-and up to a point, of course- the less we eat, the more we fuck.

how do you account for that? said jimmy.

imagination, said crake. men can imagine their own deaths, they can see them coming, and the mere thought of impending death acts like an aphrodisiac. a dog or a rabbit doesn't behave like that. take birds- in a lean season they cut down on the eggs, or they won't mate at all. they put their energy into staying alive themselves until times get better. but human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else, some new version of themselves, and live forever.

as a species we're doomed by hope, then?

you could call it hope. that, or desperation.

but we're doomed without hope, as well, said jimmy.

only as individuals, said crake cheerfully.

"oryx and crake" margaret atwood



also read her newest book "year of the flood"
great "speculative fiction" (she refuses to call them sci-fi/fantasy)

opening at woman made gallery

i am pleased to announce that i am a part of this years Her Mark 2010 publication and exhibition. the opening is this friday from 6-9. hope to see you there! below is more information from the gallery!

Her Mark 2010
Woman Made Gallery is proud to present Her Mark 2010, a publication with art and poetry by 48 women. Juror Maria Elena Buszek made the art selections, and Maureen Seaton juried the poetry entries. Designed by Karin Kuzniar and edited by Marty Bash, Her Mark 2010 includes a layout with color reproductions, poetry, and weekly calendar pages with holidays and moon cycles.
In addition to the publication, WMG hosts an exhibition featuring most of the Her Mark 2010 artworks. The Artist Reception is on July 31st from 6 to 9 p.m. The Release Party and Reading is on August 2 from 2 to 4 p.m. Her Mark 2010 copies are available at the Artist Reception and Release Party or may be ordered for $15 per copy plus shipping. Please contact WMG by phone, 312-738-0400, or by email, gallery@womanmade.org.
Visual Artists who have their work in Her Mark 2010: Grazyna Adamska-Jarecka, Adriana Baltazar, Barbara Ciurej and Lindsay Lochman, Crisanta de Guzman, Kathleen Elliot, Rebecca Rose Greene, Judithe Hernández, Anjani Khanna, Margaret LeJeune, Aliza Lelah, Suyeon Na, Bonnie Peterson, Shari Pettis, Tara Polansky, Melissa Shook, Alice Simpson, Sylvia Steen, Verna Todd, Kate True, Iris Vazquez, Amy Wainwright, Angilee Wilkerson, Beatrice Wolert, and Elizabeth Wuerffel.
Poets included in Her Mark 2010: Beverly Boyd, Rosemary Ann Davis, Kelley Evans, Veer-Tess Frost, Jane Ellen Glasser, Ona Gritz, H.K. Hummel, Kiki Vera Johnson, Laurie Junkins, Elizabeth Kerlikowske, Anna Leahy, Christine McKee, Coco Owen, Maureen Piggins, JC Reilly, Susan Richardson, cin salach, Mary Kolada Scott, Sheri Sorvillo, Judith Terzi, Judith Valente, Gale Renee Walden, Rachel Jamison Webster, and Andrena Zawinski.
Exhibition Dates: July 31 - August 27, 2009
Release Party: August 2, 2009 - 2-4 p.m.
Woman Made Gallery, 685 N. Milwaukee Ave., Chicago, IL 60642

what would i say if....

....i found out i was wrong about climate change?

i don't know too many people who deny that climate change is happening. but i do know some who either don't care, or don't think it is happening very much. either way, these people are the ones who seem to question why we should put much effort into really changing our habits, social norms, and perhaps even our economic structure. the list below answers most of those questions. i quoted the list directly from no impact man. so pop on over there if you want to read some more of what i so generously quoted from!

I am glad we created 5 million or more new jobs here in the United States in the fields of energy efficiency and renewable generation.
I am glad we created a culture that relies less on foreign oil, so that our children can live secure lives, knowing that the energy rug can't be pulled out from under them.
I am glad we have found a way to save people and industry billions upon billions of dollars by making the use of energy more efficient.
I am glad the millions of children who suffer from asthma can now breathe easier thanks to the fact that we aren't pumping the air full of toxins from our exhaust pipes and smokestacks.
I am glad that, by no longer burning oil and coal into our air, we've put an end to acid rain and the devastation of our aquatic life.
I am glad that we created good, reliable, fun-to-use public transportation system so that families no longer have to raid their budgets to pay for cars and gas.
I am glad we've stopped building suburbs, which make people unhappy and [thanks to the happy suburbanites who wrote in] are designed for cars not people, and instead build villages where people can have strong community bonds that help make life fulfilling.
I am glad we now have fuel-efficient automobiles.
I am glad that we've learned as a culture to get off the work-more-to-spend-more treadmill which gobbles up resources and leaves us unfulfilled and instead turned to a way of live full of meaning and purpose.
I am glad we developed local, fresh food systems that care not just about filling bellies but what we put in those bellies.
I am glad that we have rejected the philosophies of survival of the fittest and competition for resources as driving philosophies and have instead embraced a philosophy of compassion and justice.
I am glad that we have understood that a sustainable society cannot work without supporting all of its people and that we looked for and found ways to improve the lives of everyone.
I'm glad that we've come to see people rather than things as our most valuable resource and that, in embracing the respectful and loving principles of not wasting, we have learned not to waste youth in prisons but instead to get them help for their drug addictions and alcoholism.
I am glad that, in realizing our resources are limited, we have come to use them to do what is important and to help each other rather than compete with each other.
I am glad that we have come to see education as the ultimate in sustainable industries.
I am glad that we have developed distributed, renewable energy technologies that allow kids in all parts of the world to have electric light so they can learn how to read.
The list goes on and on, but in short, I am glad that we have embraced the opportunities presented by the crisis of climate change in order to improve our society in ways we should have done anyway.
And now, to turn the question back on those who say that either there is no climate change or that it is not a serious problem:

What would they feel if we did nothing about climate change and they turned out to be wrong?

What would they feel if we buried our heads in the sand, ignored the problem, and then irreversibly damaged the planetary habitat that we depend upon for our health, happiness and security?

although some of my "green" habits are initially cumbersome, time consuming, or difficult to adjust to, i firmly believe they are beneficial to my well being and the planet's as well. i know that just one person doesn't make a huge difference but if enough individuals change than that really can make an impact.

Wear red on Thursday!

I am just reposting a repost! via the curvature as well as document the silence

In October 2007 people all over the United States gathered physically and in spirit to speak out against violence against women of color. Some of us wore red all day and explained that we were reclaiming and reframing our bodies as a challenge to the widespread acceptance of violence against women of color. Some of us wrote powerful essays about why we were wearing red and posted them on the internet. Some of us gathered with bold and like-minded folks and took pictures, shared poetry and expressed solidarity.

This year, on the first anniversary of the Be Bold Be Red Campaign, we invite you to make your bold stance against the violence enacted on women and girls of color in our society visible. In D.C., Chicago, Durham, Atlanta and Detroit women of color will be gathering to renew our commitment to creating a world free from racialized and gendered violence, and this time, we’ll be using a new technology called CyberQuilting to connect all of these gatherings in real time. To learn more about CyberQuilting, which is a women of color led project to stitch movements together using new web technologies and old traditions of love and nurturing, visit www.cyberquilt.wordpress.com.

This letter is an invitation for you and yours to participate in a gathering in your city on Thursday, October 30th that will be webcast to similar gatherings in other cities. We are calling on you because we recognize and appreciate the work that you and the organizations you work with are doing everyday to make this a more loving and less violent world for women and girls in oppressed communities. Please join us on October 30th so that other warriors in this struggle can be strengthened and affirmed by the energy of our collective ferocity!If you are not located in D.C., Chicago, Durham, Atlanta and Detroit for the webcast, you can still participate by wearing Red on October 30, 2008 and send us your pictures to beboldbered@gmail.com

Also we are asking once again that people wear Red on October 30, 2008 and send us your pictures to beboldbered@gmail.com

As we receive them we will upload your pictures under “Red Pictures Today.”

Also, as well as to share your stories of Red on this website under “Why are you wearing Red on October 30, 2008.”

i will be wearing red on thursday, will you?

target: women i love it!

two videos posted recently at my favorite blog: the curvature. they originally came from a different site but this is the way i found them. they are incredibly awesome and very appropriate!

wedding shows

yogurt


and just because: heres another one!

my identity diagram

by the way this was photographed by my phone, sorry for the low quality. i think i will attempt to scan it in later in the week so it will look way cooler....

weekly nytimes

and because i have never noticed how appropriate nytimes is, here are a few articles i was reading this week:
when girls will be boys
black rabbi reaches out to mainstream of his faith

and an actual assigned reading:
ART/ARCHITECTURE; beyond multiculturalism, freedom?

Linda Nochlin

we are presenting a panel discussion that artforum held in august of 2003 in class this week. i will be talking about Linda Nochlin. she mentioned a few artists:
sam taylor-wood

and piplotti rist

this rist video isnt talked about but i think it might be my favorite.

i dont think i understand what she is trying to say conceptually but i am interested in how much she seems to be referencing minoan snake priestesses (art history finally paid off):

why have there been no great women artists? and is feminism dead?

“Why have there been no great women artists?” according to Linda Nochlin, this question is incredibly important for many reasons. This one single question begins to break down art history as a whole and even the rest of known written history. When this question is initially asked my first instinct is to think that there must have been, we just haven’t found them. or some people think, maybe women are just not capable of greatness. Art of the problem with “greatness” or “genius” is that white men have done the deciding of who is great or genius. And this genius is an innate (natural) talent that would have come through under any circumstances. Except that Nochlin puts forth that there have been no great artists from the aristocracy either. I was surprised to hear that, so basically all great artists are white and middle class. Although according to the article maybe the aristocracy just thought of art as a hobby and the middle class women were too busy to make art. I have argued in the past (with my sisters that are non artists) that everything about art can be taught. As an artist, I have no natural/innate talent for art that my sisters don’t have. I just had a desire and interest to be taught art. The “art academy” has socialized me as an artist and I have practiced until (almost) perfect. It is interesting that art, as an institution is looked up as so different from the rest of society. It is thought that we have natural abilities in whatever media we use, whereas I would never think that a doctor was born knowing how to diagnose diseases or a mechanic grew up automatically knowing about cars. I know that those professions take years of training and hands on practice, which is just what artists do, we are just drawn to some type of visual expression.

Being in an identity class, I think we will be discussing many types of “posts.” In the article “feminism, incorporated:reading ‘postfeminism’ in an anti-feminist age,” Amelia Jones describes different types of postfeminism. Like postmodernism, there seems to be an idea of postfeminism as after-feminism and a postfeminism that is anti-feminism. Jones seems to be arguing in this article that both types of postfeminism are negative. The first type of postfeminism seems to come from the idea that feminist art is just a part of postmodernism or could be considered postmodern feminist art-therefore postfeminism. Often many art critics and historians lump feminist art in with postmodernism and therefore diminish the importance of the feminist critique. Photography has played a strong role in helping to objectify women. Even female photographers that are attempting to criticize the consumer culture get passed off into postmodernism.
The other part of postfeminism, the part I consider to be anti-feminist, also appropriates feminist language to make arguments that feminism is dead or unnecessary. After second wave feminism, many media outlets broadcast the idea the women were tired of trying to be equal and were happy staying at home with their families. The women who didn’t want to go back to their domestic lives were seen as lesbians or destructive (or both). But even this wild woman was still always pictured as white and middle class. And often the woman would be brought back to her domestic place and live happily ever after. Although this article was written more than 15 years ago, I think many of its ideas are still relevant. Many contemporary books speak of getting back to family and home, this article published recently about being a “female male chauvinist,” and even the fact that Hillary Clinton seems to get criticized more often for what she is wearing than what her actual policies are. I cannot comprehend how anyone could begin to think that feminism is dead, nor should it die anytime soon.

random conversation

i am still kind of in the middle of the reading for the week, i finished the first article (nochlin "why have there been no great women artists?) and am part of the way through the second (jones "feminism incorporated: reading postfeminism in an anti-feminist age). i had been reading the jones article when i was asked by a co-worker about what i was reading. i told him the title and he just made a yucky face. then later he asked how my reading was going and i told him, and he asked about whether we were in an anti-feminist age. my answer was that i hadn't yet gotten to jones explanation of this but i could see how we could be. my co-worker (lets call him "nick") then says, "well, isn't feminism done?" i was surprised by this. i immediately said no and asked what he meant, he said that there was equality, and that was the point of feminism. i really was absolutely shocked to hear him say this. i mentioned a statistic from one of the articles, women make up about 52% of the population, museums show art that is made by women about 10-15% of the time. he just said, wow that sucks. and since that didnt seem to faze him, i said and what about the fact that in our government women probably hold 30% of the offices at most (i really dont know the exact amount, sorry!). he finally realized what i was talking about and only had to say that women were seen as equal under the law. i agreed and pointed out that a lot of people dont pay attention to the law.

so after all of that i really had a lot to think about. for the most part, at school, i surround myself by men that seem to be progressive and i would say possibly even feminist thinkers. this nick guy, i dont think hes chauvinist or misogynist, just sheltered (from a variety of types of feminism and types of women) and ignorant (about feminist theory or how people other than white middle class men get treated). it is completely strange and sad to hear a man that is close in age to me say that feminism is done. but maybe we just have different definitions of feminism. or maybe a lot of men feel the same and i live in my own little feminist world where all of the misogyny and patriarchy happens very very far away. i think i need to be having more conversations about women with my male friends.....